Learned gory details about my now-ex-boyfriend’s sexual adventuresĭid something shockingly advanced with boy #15Įnough to give anyone panic attacks, right?4
I only had five of them, which Doctor Z says isn’t enough to count as a disorder, but all five happened within ten days-in the same ten days I. I started going to Doctor Z because I had panic attacks-these fits where my heart would beat really fast and I felt as if I couldn’t get enough air. Me, I don’t fit into any of my own categories. Then he explains that the dreams are all about sex-which later turns out to mean that they’re all about her dead father. Her shrink makes her lie on a couch and talk about her dreams. Meghan sees the shrink because her dad died, which makes her a tragic in my book. And neurotics: middle-aged men who think about death all the time and can’t tell their own mothers to stop poking into their lives.Ī lot of my parents’ friends are neurotics, actually, but the only other kid I know who sees a shrink (and admits to it) is Meghan Flack.3 She’s had one since she was twelve, but she prefers to call it a “counselor”-like it’s not a Freudian psychoanalyst her mom pays $200 an hour, but some fun college girl who’s in charge of her bunk at summer camp. Tragics: people who get help because they’ve had something really bad happen to them, like getting cancer, or being abused. Lunatics: insane-asylum candidates, people tearing their hair out and stabbing horses in the eyeballs and whatever. Until I had one of my own, I thought shrinks were just for lunatics, tragics and neurotics.
I know it’s weird to be fifteen and have a shrink. I mean, if I knew a fifteen-year-old who sat around knitting sweaters all day, I’d definitely think she had some mental health problems. I still have some doubts about Doctor Z, though by now I’ve been seeing her for almost four months. Plus, she recommended I take up knitting.2 She told me to write down all the boyfriends, kind-of boyfriends, almost-boyfriends, rumored boyfriends and wished-he-were boyfriends I’ve ever had.
The list was a homework assignment for my mental health. Official, unofficial-she says it doesn’t matter, so long as I remember the boy and something about what happened.1
In fact, especially if I think he’s unimportant.ĭoctor Z is my shrink, and she says that for purposes of the list, the boyfriends don’t have to be official. Don’t ask me any more about it.)īefore anyone reading this thinks to call me a slut-or even just imagines I’m incredibly popular-let me point out that this list includes absolutely every single boy I have ever had the slightest little any-kind-of-anything with.īoys I never even talked to are on this list.ĭoctor Z told me not to leave anyone off. Hutch (but I’d rather not think about it.)ġ3. Who were (and still are) excellent and hilarious-Īnd who never did anything like the bad stuff
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